Anxiety

It almost seems a bit of a tradition to come back to a blog post about how we are processing the last few years! I mean, just a few weeks ago we had Green Again, the year before the still rather relevant Instability... This time around it's because I'm finding myself in a rather anxious spot - again...

For a rather lengthy while at the start of this year, things were looking quite up! Fursuit progress was being made in regular, calmer intervals, and work was doing alright - sure, it was quite busy, but all with things that felt achievable. Planned. Deadlines were being reached before things got hot, we didn't have to push into overtime. Other rhythms felt stable and consistent, and overall, all was well!

Just... Not quite right. At the time I didn't feel it, but slowly, anxiety was accumulating. Things were starting to feel a bit ... Off, around March. Very busy spots at work, a few more deadlines to weave around and get things done. Then, finally a holiday to cool off with at the beginning of April! But ... It didn't help. It was nice, but mental background circuits of tension were still running. And when we came back from the holiday we got sick. The kind of sick that leaves you in bed for about five days to just rest it up.

I think that was where our brain tripped up. The poor rest left us feeling anxious, we had to keep moving through some really tired days at work because - yep, deadlines! But ... Our body responds quickly to anxiety. Appetite locks up, sleep gets worse... Suddenly you're not well rested when you get up not because of being sick, but just because your mind is annoyed and anxious. You can't eat lunch with colleagues because your stomach refuses to take the whole meal, it's too anxious! Anxious about wanting to feel better again, to get back to healthy so you can keep doing the stuff you love.

It got to the point where we were regularily calling our family or friends just to get some reassurance that it'd be OK, on one night even just breaking down at a friend's place... Being exhausted is surprisingly tiring, it grabs you into this weird mental state of alertness about nothing, and being tired just makes it harder to notice.

Our doctor's been patient with us too, luckily - immediate bodily issues were ruled out, and so he gave us a prescription for something to tide us over while we wait for proper psychological counselling. We got the pills, took them, and ...

Holy. Fuck. The change we got to feel was eye-opening. The medication helped with general anxiety issues, and it helped. I can only really describe the sensation as "Imagine you are steering a bicycle through muddy terrain. It works, but it's fighting you and you gotta put in energy to keep it moving forward... And then you reach normal, clean terrain, and everything moves smoothly and easily again". It was like alarm bells had been turned off that I hadn't even noticed were ringing before. Things just felt normal again. Hell, I think I've even been struggling with mild derealization, and feeling how ... Tangible reality is, when the meds work well? That feels fantastic, to be that present and "here" again.

I needed that contrast to help me realize a few things. Firstly, that this body has had these anxious feelings for a while. I didn't notice because they built up so slowly over the last few months, but I should've started steering against them much sooner. We just had the reserve capacity to continue on until that ran out and we went into mental debt. Secondly, that this anxious buildup is a major contributor for the lack of creative energy. Being anxious, even in little doses, just zaps your juice by making your mind second-guess itself more, or not rest up properly...

And thirdly, that I need to work on this, more permanently. We keep running into anxious spots like this... The last few years we had breakdowns at CERN, during our Master Thesis, during our first year at work... And now this time. I think we have some mild form of anxiety disorder or something that just makes us very prone to these anxious feelings, and to sleeping badly when stressed. It's just been masked by all the other shit going on in life, it always felt like we were anxious because of a move or work or something. But this year, it was just ... Normal stuff. We got caught up in anxiety over slightly busy but otherwise normal things, and that should not happen.

I actually used the psychological counselling at Uni last year, but stopped after summer because I thought we had it from there! But ... No. I think we just got lucky for a bit before stuff got tense and busy again. And I think I've just about had it with these anxious feelings. The more I think about them, the more I realize how ingrained they are in a lot of bad behaviours - from feeling left out and anxious and tense at conventions, where we should cherish our friends, to feeling like our fursuit work is not enough (to the point of mild panic when with other Fursuiters...), to feeling unsure at work. Our low energy levels could also be partly affected by these anxious feelings, eating up precious mental space... All these innocuous small moments that nonetheless keep feeding into this feeling of "Not enough // not doing it right".

So, yeah. Anxiety ... It sucks. It's bizarre, and I promise to work on it. For good, this time. Not just stopping treatment or counselling when we think things got a bit better. I want to get my energy back. And a stable footing. I wanna stop being afraid of not being enough, or being fast enough. And I wanna sleep well and sound and tackle days with energy.

If you made it here - err, thanks. This is mostly a vent, I don't even know if there is anything extra I need to hear, but ... Thank you regardless. I'll get back to you all in ... Eventually, when things are improving :)